SCENE 2
The throne room. MIDAS sits on his throne with HILARION standing beside him. Three PEASANTS stand before them. HILARION holds a scroll and begins to address the PEASANTS.
Music #5 The Tax Song
HILARION
(points to PEASANT #1)
You, step forward, please. Let’s take a look at your account:
THERE’S THE INCOME TAX, HOUSING TAX, SALES TAX
PEASANT #1
YES –
HILARION
AND:
THERE’S THE WATER TAX, FARMING TAX, LAND TAX
PEASANT #1
BUT –
HILARION
AND:
YOU HAVE FAILED TO PAY
FOR WELL OVER A YEAR
PEASANT #1
YES, IT’S TRUE BUT
MY FAM’LY NEEDS FOOD!
HILARION
THE FOOD TAX, TOO!
PLUS, THE CHARIOT FEE, PARKING FEE, PET FEE
PEASANT #1
BUT –
HILARION
AND:
PEASANT #1
FIDO’S FAMILY!
HILARION
THESE AMENITIES DON’T COME FREE
YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT!
PEASANT #1
SIR, I DO!
HILARION
YOU MUST PAY TODAY!
THAT’S WHY HE’S SUMMONED YOU HERE
PEASANT #1
I JUST DON’T HAVE IT!
I DON’T MEAN TO BE RUDE!
PEASANTS
MIDAS, PLEASE, YOUR GRACE
YOUR HIGHNESS SHOW US MERCY!
WE DON’T HAVE THE MONEY THAT YOU’RE LOOKING FOR
MIGHT AS WELL BE KIND
SHOW US A LITTLE MERCY!
WE CAN’T PAY A CENT
BECAUSE WE’RE ALL VERY POOR!
HILARION
Next in line, please!
PEASANT #2 steps forward.
HILARION
You have neglected to pay the following:
THERE’S THE WEAVING TAX, TRAVEL TAX, HAT TAX
PEASANT #2
YES –
HILARION
AND:
THERE’S THE GARBAGE TAX, CHILD TAX, BRASS TAX
PEASANT #2
BUT –
HILARION
AND:
THE PHYSICIAN’S TAX CARRIED OVER LAST SPRING
PEASANT #2
I’M JUST ALLERGIC
TO ‘BOUT EVERYTHING!
HILARION
GOING ON!
PEASANT #2
AH-CHOO!
HILARION
FEES FOR SELLING AND BUYING AND OWNING
PEASANT #2
BUT –
HILARION
AND:
PEASANT #2
(struggling with her allergies)
JUST A MOMENT, PLEASE
HILARION
FEES FOR WALKING AND RUNNING AND BREATHING
PEASANT #2
BUT –
HILARION
MA’AM!
PEASANT #2
BREATHING SHOULD BE FREE!
HILARION
WATCH WHAT YOU SAY!
YOU MIGHT ANGER THE KING!
PEASANT #2
WITH ALL HE’S TAKEN
ANGER’S ALL I CAN BRING!
PEASANT #3
NOT ME, I’LL BEG!
PEASANTS #1 & 3
MIDAS, PLEASE, YOUR GRACE
YOUR HIGHNESS SHOW US MERCY!
PEASANT #2
HE DON’T HAVE NO MERCY!
PEASANTS #1 & 3
WE DON’T HAVE THE MONEY THAT YOU’RE LOOKING FOR
PEASANT #2
NO ONE’S GOT THAT KIND OF MONEY!
PEASANTS #1 & 3
MIGHT AS WELL BE KIND
SHOW US A LITTLE MERCY!
PEASANT #2
MIGHT AS WELL JUST CURSE-Y!
PEASANTS #1 & 3
WE CAN’T PAY A CENT PEASANT #2
BECAUSE WE’RE ALL VERY POOR! HE DON’T CARE THAT WE’RE POOR!
ALL PEASANTS
MIDAS, PLEASE, MORE TIME
MORE TIME, MORE TIME, WE NEED IT!
HILARION
PLEASE!
ALL PEASANTS
IT’S BEEN HARD TO MAKE A DECENT LIVING HERE!
HILARION
STAY BACK!
ALL PEASANTS
THINK OF HOW THE QUEEN WOULD FEEL IF SHE COULD SEE THIS!
HILARION
STAY BACK!
ALL PEASANTS
SHE’D EXPECT THAT YOU’D BE MORE FORGIVING HERE
Music #6 Toughen Up
MIDAS
Quiet!!!
YOU DARE TO TELL ME OF THE QUEEN?
DO YOU FORGET I KNEW HER?
YOU SOB AND YOWL AND SAY I’M MEAN
BUT YOU’RE THE EVILDOERS
YOU WHINE IN HOPES I’LL REARRANGE
MY GRANDIOSE OBJECTIVE
BUT YOU’RE THE ONES WHO NEED TO CHANGE
YOUR COWARDLY PERSPECTIVE
TOUGHEN UP! TOUGHEN UP!
PROVE YOU’RE WORTHY OF THE QUEEN
TOUGHEN UP, LEARN TO MAKE A SACRIFICE
THOUGH YOUR NOSE MAY SNEEZE,
YOUR DOG GETS FLEAS,
YOUR SAVINGS ARE WIPED CLEAN,
IF YOU LOVED HER
YOU WOULD GLADLY PAY THE PRICE
HILARION
Your Majesty, maybe there’s some middle ground to be found. A modest payment plan –
The PEASANTS agree and plead.
MIDAS
No!
I’VE BEEN PATIENT ALL THESE YEARS
CONSTRUCTION MOVING SLOWLY
DON’T GIVE ME CROCODILE TEARS
JUST PAY ME WHAT YOU OWE ME
PERHAPS I’VE BEEN TOO LENIENT
I’VE TRIED TO DO THE RIGHT THING
WELL, TIME FOR SOMETHING DIFFERENT
NO MORE MISTER NICE KING!
I’LL TOUGHEN UP! TOUGHEN UP!
TO THE DUNGEON WITH THESE FOOLS
TOUGHEN UP, TILL THEY AGREE TO PAY
NOW PERHAPS THEY’LL LEARN THEIR LESSON
DON’T YOU MESS WITH HIM WHO RULES
LOCK ‘EM UP AND THROW THE KEY AWAY!
HILARION
But Your Majesty…
MIDAS
Now, Hilarion!!!
HILARION exits with the pleading PEASANTS. LYDIA enters without seeing the PEASANTS. She has a plate of s’mores.
LYDIA
Operation Change Dad’s Mind – Plan Beta: The Guilt Trip!
(to MIDAS)
Daddy, I’ve got all the ingredients for s’mores! You remember how we used to set up a fire by the river every year to cook them. But I guess we can just eat them here… with no fire… and no river… and no stars…
MIDAS
Good. You’re finally letting the stargazing thing go.
LYDIA
Well, that didn’t work…
MIDAS
Lydia…
LIFE IS NOT ALL CANDY DREAMS AND RAINBOWS
YOU’RE ELEVEN NOW, IT’S TIME YOU KNEW
LIFE IS FULL OF LETDOWNS, FULL OF SORROWS
BEFORE NOSTALGIC FEELINGS CONQUER YOU…
MIDAS does a gesture on each “Toughen Up” to help teach LYDIA.
MIDAS
TOUGHEN UP! TOUGHEN UP!
DON’T LET SOFTNESS MAKE YOU BLIND
STAY ALERT, OR YOU’LL GET STEAMROLLED BY THE GODS
GROWING UP MEANS YOU LEAVE
YOUR CHILDISH SENTIMENTS BEHIND
STAY TOUGH IF YOU WANNA
BEAT THE ODDS
LYDIA
So, feelings are bad?
MIDAS
Not the ones that make you stronger! Like anger! What’s making you angry right now?
LYDIA
The fact that you won’t take me to see the stars!
MIDAS
Whatever works!
TOUGHEN UP!
LYDIA
TOUGHEN UP!
MIDAS & LYDIA
WE WON’T FEEL THOSE SAPPY FEELS!
RID OUR LIVES OF EMOTIONS THAT BETRAY!
MIDAS
SO NO GODDESS, GOD, OR HUMAN
CAN FIND ANYTHING TO STEAL!
TOUGHEN UP!
LYDIA
TOUGHEN UP!
MIDAS
TOUGHEN UP!
LYDIA
TOUGHEN UP!
MIDAS & LYDIA
TOUGHEN UP!
MIDAS
‘CAUSE THAT’S THE MIDAS WAY!
LYDIA
THAT’S THE MIDAS WAY!
MIDAS, LYDIA
THE MIDAS WAY!!!