On "Balance"

Why do we say “It’s all about balance!” as if it’s just that simple? As if it’s some sort of "zen” conclusion easily won? As if balance weren’t a working of the muscles? As if balance weren’t tiring and requiring energy and focus?

Have you tried to stand on one foot for a long time? Or tried to balance a broom by its top-end in your hand? Have you seen a baby finally learning to walk? As adults, we forget that the balance to stand or walk came after hours upon hours of practice, falling, failing, and trying again.

Take 2020: the fears of a pandemic combined with social isolation, plus fights for racial equality, plus (in California at least) a freak lightning storm that leads to the state being on fire, plus the upcoming election, plus kids at home if you’re a parent, plus plus plus plus. “It’s all about balance” feels almost laughable in the face of this stack of things we are being asked to hold.

So, sure, it may all be about balance, but remember that balance is hard work. It only comes with ease after you’ve put in the time to master it. And if lately, things seem to keep toppling over, if you seem to keep toppling over, please show yourself the compassion you would a toddler just learning to walk. For we are facing a balancing act in 2020 we’ve never, ever had to face before.

Faking it till faking it no longer feels like faking it

You know how they say “Fake it till you make it?” I feel like I’ve been operating under that notion for the bulk of my playwriting career. But recently, I’ve started to actually feel like I’m making it, not because I’m faking it, but because I have the knowledge, skills, and grit to actually make it. It’s a very odd feeling. After years of using my best guesses, I’m actually starting to feel like I might know a thing or two about what I’m doing.

Someone recently said to me “You’re the expert!” and there was a tiny twinge inside me in response. No, I can’t be an expert in anything. I’m still figuring it out as I go. But maybe I have become quite practiced at the figuring out. I still don’t love the connotations of the word “expert,” mostly because of the expectations others might place on such a title. But if, if, I am an expert, it’s not because I have it all figured out, but because… I’ve gotten good at figuring things out as I go. With enough “faking it,” I’ve now gotten enough experience to know how to think through decisions and problems in my career. Decisions and problems that might be fresh and new for others.

Yes, an odd feeling. Oddly quiet. Oddly reassured. I’m not flailing about trying to make sense of everything. After all my flailing (and failing), many things have come together. And the things that still don’t make sense, I’ve learned to maneuver through and with. Of course, the “faking it” hasn’t ended. Each time you level up in a video game, there is more to learn about the skills or items you’ve acquired along the way. And I’ll still need the expertise of others. But this lifestyle of “fake it till you make it” has started to look more and more like… “this is how you make it.”